Back to Work

So I'm going to work. Yup. I'm an official, got-her-license, card-carrying member of the nursing profession. Which is thrilling. Really. The only obstacle lying between me and utter bliss as I walk to the bank with my first paycheck weighs about 17 pounds, is great with sippy cups but not so great without me.

Corban has started screaming and I mean screaming when I'm not around. He can go about an hour with anyone, including Daddy- just playing and having good times. But then the switch flips. He somehow remembers that I'm not there, that I've abandoned him for better things (like grocery shopping). He becomes inconsolable and simply wears himself out til he falls asleep.

Call me crazy, but that's not my idea of a good time.

I've cried about it- a lot. I wake up at 2am, overwhelmed with this feeling of "I'm abandoning my baby! He's not going to get my stories and songs and kisses!" And it's not just the missing him. I've realized that I'm also upset that I'm not going to control his day. You know what? That's unhealthy!!! I was surprised and convicted by my need to be in control of my son's day.
Talk about a huge problem later on in life.

Over the past week, I've decided to make a point of letting go of that need. Letting go of control. Trusting that God will watch over Corban.... novel idea, right? But truly, in practice such a difficult thing to do! I'm praying that as I learn this early on, Corban and our future children will benefit from a mom who's relaxed enough to be open to new ideas, new activities and be supportive of them. I want to be the mom who acts as a launching point, who raises kids to be great adults. After all, the time will come when I will HAVE to step back, letting them become their own selves and follow the Lord in their own right.

Not to say that I'm giving up. :) Just learning to relax and know that Corban will be ok, even if I'm away for 3 days/week.